There Is A Season: March 2012

I have made a couple of good decisions in my life. Granted, they've been amidst thousands of bad ones. But I've gotten a few things right every now and then. And this one, this one is intensely personal.

I have struggled with my weight for my entire adult life. When I was younger I always thought I was overweight, but I don't really think I was. I was always the tallest, biggest-framed girl I knew but looking back at pictures, I wasn't a roly-poly kid. I think what happened was this: I went to college and the good health foundations built by my parents (they actually did an exceptional job of creating and explaining a healthy lifestyle to me) got drowned out by the all-you-can-eat dining halls. Dessert before and after dinner every single lunch and dinner?! Yes, please! Large, full omelets for breakfast? Yum! So I got to college and went from about 160 lbs to probably somewhere around 220 at graduation.

This is where I need to explain why I said this is "intensely personal." I have never told anyone except my doctors and my husband (and that only recently) the actual number of my weight. It's a hard thing to admit. But, I've decided that what I look like is what I look like. I could say that I weight 120 lbs or 320 lbs and I won't look a bit different. I could say that I wear a size 4 or a size 24 and I will look the same. So, since it won't change how I look, I choose the freedom to admit what I weigh, admit my size, and be OK with it.

Enter: One of the Best Decisions I've Ever Made. Having Zach in September really spurred me onto wanting to get a grip on my unhealthy relationship with my body and with food. For starters, he might be our last biological child and in the past I never saw the point of trying very hard to get rid of the weight because I knew I'd likely get pregnant again. Also, and this is what really made me do it, I didn't have any pants I could wear and the weather was actually going to get cold at some point. I'd never had a baby born that late in the year so I'd never been so freshly un-pregnant when winter hit (if that makes sense). So I didn't fit into my jeans and I absolutely refused to buy more jeans when it would only take a little hard to work to fit into the ones I have.

Without thinking much of what I was going to do about it, a friend mentioned in passing that she'd joined Weight Watchers. I had tried it back when Nathan was 6 months old and found it tiresome to think about every single crumb I put into my mouth. But the program has changed and this time I actually paid to join instead of trying to do it on my own. (I might have to write a post about that because the program has changed so much for the better and actually paying to do it and go to meetings makes a word of difference.) I could go on and on and on and ON about how much I love the program and why I love the program, and I might do that in a future post. But not right now. (I will say: I love Weight Watchers and think it's an amazing life-changing program.) I wondered if I had the time and energy to do it (have I mentioned I have four children--nay, four SONS--under six years old?). I wondered if it would negatively affect my milk supply since I am nursing Zach (I decided I would take supplements if the milk started to drop). But nothing was going to change unless I actually changed something.

On November 7, 2011, I took the following pictures of myself. The ones where I'm wearing an orange short-sleeved shirt or a blue shirt were taken that day. Zach was 7 weeks old and I was barely fitting into a size 18, but not all 18s, just the ones that were especially roomy. On November 8, I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting and weighed in at 225.8 lbs. Today is March 11 and this week, for the first time since before I was pregnant with Nathan, there is no longer a blasted 2 in the hundreds place! I have lost over 25 pounds since November 8 (right now I'm in the 197-199 range). I have been tracking my points (sometimes more diligently than others). I have made the decision not to use "fake" food. I don't use Splenda instead of sugar; I just eat less sugar. I am also not eating dairy because Zach has a dairy allergy so while I have a lot of dairy alternatives at home, it makes it easier to stay on the WW plan while eating out because I can't eat anything that has, or might possibly have, cheese, butter, milk, yogurt, etc. (So when we go out for pizza, I get a salad, hold the feta!)

At the beginning of December I started exercising. We'd been members of the YMCA for a while and I'd done some walking and some swimming here and there, but now I feel like I was just playing at exercising. In December I started taking classes at the Y. Oh wow. What a difference! Those teachers know what they're doing! The classes are so much harder than I could work out on my own. Jimmy bought me some personal training sessions for Christmas, too, so now I really feel equipped to keep it up. I usually work out 4-5 times a week for 45 min to an hour each time. For the first time in my life I actually enjoy exercising (but I'd still rather sit and read at Starbucks!).

I bought new pants a couple of weeks ago. They're size 16 and one of them is a little baggy :) And I bought a dress today that is size L. This has been an incredible process and while I still have a long way to go, I never thought I'd enjoy it until I'd reached the end. Now I realize that I'm enjoying the journey.